How to Be Irish: (Even if You Already Are) - Softcover

Sean Kelly is umpteenth-generation Canadian-Irish. He left teaching to edit the National Lampoon. He writes for children's television (Noddy and Friends) and is co-author of several books, including Saints Preserve Us!, Who in Hell . . . , and Boom Baby Moon.

Rosemary Rogers, who lives in Manhattan, is the co-author of Saints Preserve Us!, Who in Hell . . . , and Boomer Babes. Both of her parents were born in Ireland.

THE WEARING OF THE GREENING OF AMERICA
 
Sixteen percent of North Americans claim to be of Irish descent. And these days, the remaining 84 percent are green (mark you) with envy.
 
Because Irish is In.
 
Because everyone loves Riverdance. Because Angela's Ashes and How the Irish Saved Civilization topped the bestseller lists for years. Because Maeve Binchy and Roddy Doyle's hit novels become hit movies, and because Titanic, the hit movie of all time, contrasts the stultifying snobs in first class with the zesty Irish peasants below decks. Because everyone knows that Seamus Heaney is the world's greatest poet, Martin McDonagh is the world's greatest playwright, Joyce's Ulysses is the best novel of the century, U2 is the world's greatest rock band...
 
So Irish is In.
 
It was, of course, not always so. Like other immigrant groups since, the Irish in America were at first despised and excluded: "No Irish Need Apply," said the want ads. Next, their Irish-American children were patronized or marginalized. "What the hell do I have to do to be called an American?" demanded Joseph Kennedy. Finally, their grandchildren were nearly eliminated by assimilation. After JFK's election, the Irish very nearly (in the words of historian Noel Ignatiev) "became white."
 
But now, Irish is In.
 
Long-closeted Hiberno-Americans are coming proudly out, while preppies, yuppies, and other WASP trendies are ransacking their family trees, desperate to uncover a Mick in the woodpile of their roots. So to speak.
 
And so, for both the fallen-away Irish and for everyone else who longs to be—or to appear to be—just a wee bit Irish, we offer How to Be Irish,
 
CHAPTER 1
 
TYPICAL IRISH (The Choice Is Yours)
—We are all Irish, all king's sons.
—Alas, Stephen said.
 
Various character flaws, ranging from simple incompetence to cold-blooded treachery, are dismissed by the Irish themselves as "typical Irish."
 
But you—in order to pass for "typical Irish"—must first decide what Irish "type" you wish to pass for. Your choices have been nicely spelled out for you in the opening pages of that classic of Irish-American literature, Gone with the Wind.
 
Stage Irish: Scarlett, we read, has "the easily stirred passioHs of her Irish father," Gerald O'Hara. A charming rogue, a natural-born rebel, and a drinking man, he is described as "florid" and "bandy-legged, short nosed, wide mouthed and belligerent. . .hard headed and blustering.. .the brogue heavy on his tongue.. .with a hair trigger of temper.. .with a loud bark but no bite at all." Gerald has gone so far as to name his plantation Tara, after the palace of the ancient high king of Ireland.
 
Lace-Curtain Irish: Gerald has scant use for tRe"" Macintoshes, Tara's aristocratic (and possibly Abolitionist) neighbors, who are "Scotch-Irish and Orangemen from Ulster...close-mouthed and stiff necked...dour and independent."
 
Shanty Irish: The nearby tenant-farming Slatterys are dismissed even by the O'Hara's slaves as "white trash." He is "shiftless and whining," she "the snarly-haired mother to a brood of sullen and rabbity-looking children which increased every year."
 
So, sir or madam, which will it be for you? Stage, LaceCurtain, or Shanty Irish?
 
Now, it may be argued that surely there are other sorts of Irish. Unfortunately, this is not so, or is no longer so. Read on.